Slayin' The Slashers!
by Spidey3000
Summary: One hyperactive blond ninja...and every iconic fictional killer I can think of randomly trying to kill him. What's Naruto to do? Massacre them of course! Crack fic, Multiple X-overs. NaruHina mixed with some suprise pairings. Made in honor of Halloween.
1. the Irrelevant Prolouge

Prolouge...

Somewhere else in the world, besides the place you are currently sitting on your arse, reading this story, a man begins to type his newest documentery novel, "Not So Supernatural: Disputing the 'Facts' Behind So-Called Supernatural Killers"

He began to type a prolouge that would put the whole book into perspective, much like the prolouge of this story you're reading.

_"Over the years, there have been many unexplained murders in the world..._

_"The Elm Street massacres, which were supposedly covered up by the government; the recurring massacres in Camp Crystal lake every time someone tries to get the camp operating again; the murders that were supposedly commited by a doll possessed by a deceased killer, the deaths of everyone that watches a certain videotape within' 7 days, and the many copies of that tape that has circulated to do the superstition that if you make a copy you won't die; some story about a cube that summons sadistic, masochistic demons that will torture the one who solves it, and many other silly myths._

_"There are also even more silly rumors of known killers like Michael Myers, Norman Bates, and Leatherface, that have already been killed; rumors that they're still alive somewhere, and that they're completely invincible, and that they're still alive somewhere, killing anyone they meet. _

_"These silly stories are laughable, and have ceased to be even remotely scary over the years. Such rumors can be attributed to human fear of the unknown, or that which a human can't defeat. _

_"And so, with this book, I will show you the large gap between the facts and mythes of these cases, and with my weapon called logic, tear apart these cheesy and hyped up campfire stories, and show you that the only thing you REALLY have to fear, is fear itself..._

The man smiled, and pushed away his type writer.

"Another best seller in the making!" he said. "Ha, if that stupid story about Michael Myers was even true, I'd be by now since he was technically my second cousin twice removed; and maybe next chapter I'll get to the mention of the rumors in town about that Freddy Kruegar nonsense, and the more plausible explanations of the murders; and tomorrow, I'll write what I actually saw in that so-called killer videotape I watched a week ago, and my stay in Crystal lake in which I survived...hell, i even took a piss in the lake and yelled 'Jason's mom, has got it goin' on' and nothing happened..."

"Nonsense, am I?" said a voice, from behind him.

He turned around to see Freddy Kruegar in all his glory.

"Hey, I'm all for letting people around the world know about me, but ya know, I'd rather ya didn't give 'em the wrong message!" said Freddy, laughing insanely. "So I think it's best if I take over the writing for now!"

Freddy suddenly grabbed the man's hand, pricked his finger, and wrote "Freddy's here, Freddy's real, and Freddy's gonna get ya, so get used to it!"

Freddy laughed insanely.

"Now, lets get to that chapter about Elm Street... unless you want to end up an example of one of those unexplained murders!"

However, at that point, the man cried out in pain, and woke up.

"What a horrible dream," he said, before turning to see the blood on the page. "hmm, I must have done that subconciously due to the dream...all this research is getting to my head...wait...what was that pain in my shoulder? Ow, it still hurts too!"

"I wonder what that pain in my shoulder that woke me up was..."

Suddenly, the man turned to see Michael Myers, holding a machete in his shoulder.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT REAL! YOU CAN'T BE!" said the man, before panickedly throwing white out in Michael's eyes, and running out of the room, at some point knocking over a bottle of red ink that for some reason was on his desk and open, spilling it all over the words "Freddy's real and Freddy's gonna get ya", obscuring the text.

The man ran out of his house, only to see Jason Vorheez waiting for him.

The suddenly too-real killer sliced off the man's arm with his machete.

"No, this is too crazy to be real!" he said, running back into the house and into a closet.

A scythe pierced the door of the closet, scaring the crap out of him.

He turned to see a conveniently placed shaft behind him that lead to the basement, and jumped inside it, sliding all the way down into the boiler, which thankfully wasn't on. He kicked open the door of said boiler, and walked out, clutching his bloody stump.

"Th-this isn't real, it can't be real...Jason Vorheez and F-Freddy K-kruegar both died WAY back before those stupid urban legends about them started...F-freddy must have been a dream...and the people dressed like Jason and M-Michael Myers m-must be psychopaths, th-that heard what I was writing, and decided to teach me a lesson...that must be it...IT HAS TO BE..."

Unfortunately for the poor man, he was too shocked and in too much pain to realize that even if they weren't real, it wouldn't matter to him; as whether or not he was real or fake, the man that had cut off his arm was probably walking down the stairs as he spoke, and the other killer, the one that had stabbed him, was now climbing into the very shaft he'd slid down while he was still contemplating whether or not they were real.

Not to mention the man would bleed to death soon if he didn't patch up that bloody stump.

The man, however, staggered forward, and neary collapsed on the couch in his basement, trying to make sense of why he was about to die.

However, neither killer would be getting to him, as another had already claimed him seven days ago; he looked to see the basement t.v. turn on all by itself, revealing static, then a black background with a white in the center.

Instead of doing what most more intelligent people would do and say, running like hell, or grabbing a shotgun and pointing it at the T.V. like a certain S-mart employee that resembles Bruce Campell would no doubt have done, he stared transfixed at the T.V., frozen with terror at both the two killers that would soon claim him, and at the mysterious phenomona that was taking place in front of him.

Suddenly, a hideous, black haired, soaking wet girl crawled out of the T.V. in a painfully slow, and down right disgusting fashion, then fell to the ground, and got up, walking towards him and reaching for him.

It was at that point, that his heart gave way, and died with a look of both pain, and terror on his face.

At that point, Jason finally made it down the stairs, and Michael came out of the furnace to find an arse-ugly, demented, dead looking little girl standing over the body of the one they'd both come here to kill.

As you all probably expected to happen, Michael, and Jason both ran towards the girl, and the girl got ready for one hell of a fight.

Meanwhile, in the Dream world, Freddy watched with disgust on a t.v. in the Dream World replica of the Elm Street house, and started yelling at the t.v.

"DAMN IT! THOSE TWO BASTARDS AND THAT LITTLE GIRL RUINED MY FRICKING PLAN BEFORE IT FRICKING STARTED!" yelled Freddy, throwing a random T.V. guide at the T.V.

"Now that am I going to do?" he wondered. "Those jerks on Elm Street that know about me have been taking hypnosil and keeping their damned mouths shut, and I don't think anyone would go to as great lengths as that damned stupid author to get answers out of them! Uh...ah well, one of them has to slip up eventually; then I'll strike,"

Freddy sighed, and started changing the channels, looking for someone to watch while he waited for another chance at revenge...

"lets see... old slasher fic...crappy sequel TO slasher fic ...crappier slasher fic: the beginning...wow, I feel sorry for these guys; they had sucha good start too...I swear, some of them need to be put them to rest...soap opera...Spider-man reruns... Spongebob... someday I swear I'll kill that damned Sponge...extremely crappy anime show; who the hell watches 'Naruto' anyway? Someone that likes bad dubbing and fillers apparently; I oughta put that show out of it's misery...Ooh! Freddy's Nightmares Reruns!"

And so, Freddy watched the reruns of one of the last even remotely scary thing he'd ever been in...

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to get the first chapter up! And no, not all the killers that'll be in this fic are in this chapter since i didn't have room for them. This wasn't originally going to be the first chapter, but I figured that a prolouge was in order first. So thus, by the time you read this, chapter two will probably be up. I'm going to try to have this up by Halloween, but if not, it'll be on hold till October of next year. So either way, the final chapter will be up by Halloween, or won't EVER be up. If this story isn't posted by Halloween next year, then I'm going to delete it and start over. Oh, and this story is indeed a Naruto Fic, as Naruto appears next chapter. BTW, everyone's favorite S-mart employee made a small cameo in this chapter, if you can spot it, you're penname will make a cameo in the third chapter of the story! (counting this one of course.) Well, sorry for the long-assed author's note, I'm going to end it here. REVIEW, or I'll send Freddy after you! **

**Next time: Naruto faces Freddy Kruegar. Who will win this semi-epic battle of semi-epicness? Find out next chapter!**


	2. In Your Dreams

Chapter 1: Naruto Vs. Freddy

"DEMON!"

"BRAT!"

"GENARIC RANDOM ACUSATION!"

The mob chased after chibi Naruto, who fled in terror, till he reached a dead end.

"P-please! D-don't hurt me!" he said, to the angry villagers.

"Shut up you stupid brat!" said another villager, hitting him with a baseball bat.

"You're time has come demon!" yelled a woman, swinging a pitchfork at him.

Naruto closed his eyes.

"Y-your not real...this isn't real! LEAVE ME ALONE!" yelled Naruto, before opening his eyes.

He found that the crowd was gone, as was the alley and his chibi-ness. He was in some sort of neighborhood; and it was night time.

"Ok, Kyuubi, what are you up to this time?" said Naruto, sighing. "I thought you stopped that old 'give Naruto nightmares about killing everyone in the village' crap,"

Naruto turned to see three little girls, jump-roping...and to his horror, they had bloody sockets for eyes.

"One, two, he's comin' for you; three, four, you better lock the door..."

"Ok, seriously, Kyuubi, have you been doing drugs or something?" said Naruto. "And where did you get said drugs inside my head?"

"...five, six, grab your crucafix..."

"...what's a crucifix?" said Naruto.

"...7, 8, we're stayin' up late..."

"How can we stay up late if I'm already asleep?" said Naruto.

"...9, 10," finished the little girls.

"What? Nothing that rhymes with ten?" said Naruto.

However, Naruto heard some insane laughter coming from inside a particular house, a particularly normal looking house, but somehow, it seemed to be ominous, and dark.

"...well, I might as well go inside the house; what's the worst that can happen? It's not like I can get killed in my dream or something," said Naruto, walking inside the house.

The door slammed shut behind him.

"...that can't be a good thing," said Naruto, stating the obvious.

"Oh, it's not a good thing," said a voice.

Naruto looked to see a man that looked like he'd been burned to death by hordes of angry parents standing at the top of the stairs. He was wearing a black fedora, a black vest, and a retarded looking christmas sweater underneath it.

"Who the hell are you?" said Naruto.

"The name is Freddy!" said the man, who began to walk down the hall, slashing the wall paper with his claws as he went.

"Um, why are you ruining the wall paper?" said Naruto. "Is that supposed to scare me? Cause I have scarier things than you sealed inside me that could kick your ass..."

"...you do?" said Freddy, suddenly looking around. "Cause I don't see anything in here but you, and me!"

"Meh, around this time of night, Kyuubi's getting his beauty sleep, but when he wakes up, you'll be fox chow..." said Naruto.

"By that time you'll be Freddy chow!" said Freddy, before his shadow rose from the ground to attack Naruto.

Naruto jumped back, avoiding the shadow, then hit it with Rasengan.

The shadow put it's hand over it's torso, then died in an exaggerated fashion.

"You killed my shadow!" said Freddy, faking remorse for his shadow.

Suddenly, the shadow rose back up and attacked Naruto again with it's claws.

"Wait, no you didn't; silly me!" said Freddy, before laughing again.

Naruto cursed, and ran from the shadow, doing everything he could to put distance between himself and Freddy. He soon noticed a school up ahead, and started running towards it.

"Wait...why am I running from someone several times weaker than me?" said Naruto, randomly, before turning around to see Freddy driving towards him in a bus.

"Oh yeah! He has god-like powers here!" said Naruto, before he continued running several times faster.

"NEXT STOP, KONOHA CEMETARY!" yelled Freddy, laughing insanely for the third time this chapter.

Now, when being chased by a vehicle driven by a psychopath who intends to run you down; sadly, the vehicle is most likely to be faster than you, and you'll most likely run out of adrenaline before it runs out of gas; thus, most humans in this situation do the smart thing: run for the nearest possible building that the vehicle can't easily enter.

This was exactly what Naruto did; he ran inside the school that magically materialized in front of him.

"Wait...this is exactly where he wants me to go," said Naruto, before looking behind him, to see the bus increasing speed "Lets see, get clawed to death by a psychopath inside the school...or get killed by a bus...I'll take the one that's quick and painless,"

Naruto suddenly stopped running, and turned to face the bus, but when the bus hit him, instead of breaking every bone in his body, it sent him flying towards the school.

He then crashed through the suprisingly weak roof of the building, and landed in an extraordinarily creepy boiler room.

Suddenly, an angry mob burst into the room, wielding pitchforks, rakes, bricks, torches, and other genaric mob weapons that Naruto knew too well.

The mob advanced towards him, chanting.

"Kill the demon! Kill the demon! Killl the demon!" they chanted, advancing towards Naruto with their weapons.

"Please, don't kill me! I never chose to have the Kyuubi inside me, don't..." Naruto said, before an angry villager hit him acrossed the face with a brick.

"SHUT UP KYUUBI BRAT!" he yelled.

Another person slashed him acrossed the chest with a rake...it was Sasuke, joining the villagers in their attack on him.

"You'll never be as good a shinobi as me! You'll always be dead last, and you'll NEVER be able to bring me back to the village!" he said.

Sakura came out of nowhere, and punched him with the super strength jutsu.

"You loser! I don't know why I'm still even your teammate, let alone your friend! You've only dragged me down with your dobe-ness! Why would I love you when I can have a REAL man like Sasuke?" said Sakura.

"...wow Sakura, that was harsh," said Naruto; he'd gotten over his crush on Sakura a while ago, but the words of this Sakura still stung.

"YOU DESERVE IT DEMON!" she said, punching him in the face.

Naruto got back to his feet.

"Sakura, how could you say that?" he said, clenching his fist. "After all we went through together..."

"You never even noticed me!" said Hinata, hitting him with a baseball bat. "I fing had a fing crush on you since our academy days, but I've always been nothing but a random weird girl to you! All you are is a heartless demon! DEMON!"

Though Naruto didn't really know Hinata as well as he seems to in most badly written NaruHina fics; her words seemed to sting him for some reason, but he didn't know why.

"Hinata...I..." he said, before getting whacked again.

The mob closed in on him, once again chanting "kill the demon! kill the demon!"

"SHUT UP!" said Naruto, shutting them all up.

"You shut up!" said Ayame, bitch slapping him. "I hate you, I hate the fact that you won't leave our stand, and I hate the fricking ramen my father makes because it sucks almost as badly as you!"

Ayame went to slap Naruto again, but he caught her arm, and gave her an "oh no you di'n't" look.

"You're not Ayame," he said, before driving a Rasengan into her stomach. "AND NOBODY DISSES RAMEN!"

Naruto rushed into the crowd of villagers, massacring them; not caring that some of them were made to look like his friends; they were illusions, as Sasuke, Sakura, and Hinata probably wouldn't be dispatched as easily as he killed them.

He looked into the air, and yelled.

"FREDDY YOU COWARD! I'M TIRED OF YOUR DAMNED GAMES! COME HERE AND KILL ME YOURSELF OR GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DREAMS!"

"Very well," said a voice.

Freddy walked slowly towards Naruto, laughing cruelly.

"Now hold still and I'll maek this quick..." said Freddy, swinging his gloved hand at Naruto.

However, Naruto stopped him with a question:

"Why the hell did you drag me all the way to a boiler room I don't really recognize just to kill me?" he asked.

Freddy froze in mid-swing, and suddenly looked throughtful, as if trying to think of the answer.

"And also, why all this?"

Naruto gestured to the dead bodies of the imaginary villagers, who were still lying there.

"If you really have absolute control of this world, couldn't you just kill me and get it done with?" asked Naruto.

"Well...I just like screwing with your head!" said Freddy, laughing. "You should be thankful, if i didn't, you'd be dead by now! Besides, it makes things scarier if I screw with their heads before killing them..."

"You realize that none of your movies have been scary since the first one, and that the murder scenes have become so ridiculous that your movies might as well be dark comedies now-a-days; not to mention you've gone from a brutal murderer to a joke of a stand-up comedian. You'd be better off just staying in hell," said Naruto, defiantly.

"What the hell's making you so afraid, dobe?" said Freddy. "You shouldn't insult someone that currently has god-like powers in the realm that you're in..."

"Oh, well, I was stalling for time; now's around when Kyuubi wakes up," said Naruto.

"Ooh, I'm so scared!" said Freddy, mockingly. "What's your imaginary friend gonna...

Before Freddy could finish his sentence, however, he was interrupted by a HUGE fox-like claw that shot out of the darkness and dragged him away.

"WTH? A giant fox? What are you gonna do?" said Freddy's voice, from the darkness.

**"Finally, something to EAT in this idiot!" **said Kyuubi.

"Oh yeah, like you're really going to...OH GOD MY LEFT ARM! YOU ATE MY FRICKING ARM, THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY FACE, NO, DON'T..."

After hearing several girly screams of terror, and a sickening crunching sound, Naruto was suddenly brought to Kyuubi's cage.

"Yuck, that was the nastiest human i ever tasted; oh well, burnt human is better than none..." said Kyuubi.

"Thanks Kyuubi, that was the perfect timing...for once, I'm glad you were sealed inside me," said Naruto.

"For once? What about all those times I saved your arse?" said Kyuubi.

"THAT LAST TIME YOU ALMOST POISONED ME WITH YOUR CHAKRA!" said Naruto.

"Well, anyway no need to thank me...you're MY bitch, noone elses!" said Kyuubi, affectionately.

"Um...thanks...I think," said Naruto, sweatdropping.

"Well, anyway, I'm going back to sleep; wake me up when some other dumbass tries to kill you inside your dreams," said Kyuubi, cuddling up in his cage, and going to sleep.

"Zzzz...killing all the humans...zzzzz..."

Naruto decided not to comment on the fact that Kyuubi for some reason was now wearing a fedora...

--

Later that morning, Naruto woke up.

"That was one psycho dream..." he said, rubbing his head.

However, when he looked in the mirror, he noticed several bruises on his face, and diagonal slash marks acrossed his chest, though they'd already healed.

"Hmm, so it was real; weird," said Naruto, before looking at his watch. "Oh shit, I'm gonna be late for my mission!"

Naruto got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, and ran towards the Hokage tower at record speed.

--

Naruto burst into the Hokage's office; where Kakashi, Sakura, Hinata, Kiba, and Ino were waiting for him.

"SORRY I'M LATE!" he said. "But you wouldn't believe what happened to me last night..."

"You got beat up?" said Kiba, noticing his injuries.

"You got chased by an angry mob?" said Sakura, also noticing his injuries.

"You got laid? Sorry, I should have warned you about that dominatrix anko, but I didn't think she was your type..." said Kakashi.

"You got a girlfriend?" said Shikamaru, though his didn't really top Kakashi's.

Hinata didn't say anything, but rushed over to Naruto.

"No, some weird guy in a fedora and a christmas sweater tried to kill me, but he was stupid enough to go inside my dreams and Kyuubi got hungry and ate him..." said Naruto.

"er...that's whatever you were talking about for ya!" said Tsunade, making a mental note that whatever happened to Naruto last night must have caused severe brain damage.

"Anyway, back to the subject of the mission; someone payed for a B-rank mission, but it's really a not that high a level," said Tsunade. "All you have to do is protect the camp counsellers in some kids camp called Crystal Lake..."


End file.
